skin

seriously, has it been since July since I blogged?

wow. 

it was a wonderful summer.  i can't even count all the adventures we were able to enjoy as a family.  i treasured my two months off, just being with the kids. 

i also immersed myself in an incredible book, One Thousand Gifts.  i read it almost as a devotional, and am reading it again now.  the lessons on gratitude, and trust, and God's grace have been molding my heart and perspective in powerful ways.  i am so thankful for what i've learned this summer and the ways in which God has nudged me to grow.

perhpas because of this book, i celebrated my 18th crashiversary  at the end of August with renewed gratitude and awareness that each day i've been given since then has been sheer gift of grace!

but for my skin?  for my skin, this summer sucked.

first, i went off birth control, in favor of, ahem, more permanent measures.  apparently my skin really missed the hormones because i promptly started breaking out.  not pretty.  embarrassing, humbling, and a reminder not to find my worth in external appearances.

then, i got poison ivy.  three separate times.  but because doctors don't love to prescribe steroids (the only thing that gets rid of it for me) three times in a short span, they would give me lower doses or shorter rounds than i needed, resulting in me having poison ivy for most of the summer.  and lots of steroids.  i should've been pumping iron.  i wasn't.  poison ivy...annoying, itchy, but not the end of the world.

i also had a mole removed in August that my OB advised me to have checked.  it was darker in color than my other moles but i didn't think it looked too suspicious.  it did itch from time to time.  my doctor removed it but it was quite small and he didn't think it was anything bad.  last wendesday, i got a call from said doctor telling me that they had found malignant melanoma cells in the mole.  i got into a dermatologist that same day to have the margins removed and 12 stiches put in. 

this came smack in the middle of one of my busiest weeks, which was providential.  the news didn't really start to sink in until the weekend.  but because i've been immersed in gratitude and learning trust, i was able to focus on giving thanks rather than worrying.  (did you know worry is actually a kind of rebellion?)  i was thinking weird calm thoughts like i should be thankful that i got 18 years extra...i am so glad i had all that time with the kids this summer...and i felt like i had been well prepared to be able to embrace any diagnosis i was given.

then on monday i finally got around to googling malignant melanoma and looked at survival rates and realized i didn't know what stage my mole was in, and FEAR started to set in.  and thoughts about my kids losing their mom at an early age started to fill my head and i was distraught.  turns out all that stuff i know with my head, and am trying to plant deep into my heart, gives way so very easily when fear gets a foothold. 

today.  went in to get the stitches removed and was told by the receptionist that the report was in.  i waited with my two year old, trying not to cry when thoughts like "well, at least a part of me will live on in her" kept running through my head. 

and then i was called back and the stitches were taken out and i was told that the margins were: clear.
and i nodded and smiled and said how thankful i was and it all seemed so surreal.  and it's still sinking in and already i feel how easy it is to forget.  to forget how this breath, this moment, and everything else is just a gift.  how life is short and fragile and we so easily squander it and get caught up in stuff that just. doesn't. matter. 

ok that's enough preaching for now.  but people, be grateful.  and live out of that gratitude with great joy and love.